First let me say, I hate to compromise! I’m spoiled, stingy, and always want my way. In the bedroom that ain’t a great attitude to have. When you’re selfish in the bedroom and not willing to compromise it’s like saying…..Fcuk your pleasure! Fcuk your needs! Fcuk your desires! Not cool.
So what exactly does it mean to compromise?
settle a dispute by mutual concession.“in the end we compromised and deferred the issue”
accept standards that are lower than is desirable.“we were not prepared to compromise on safety”
That #2 looking real ugly right? With respect to this convo I’m going to rephrase 2.
2. Negotiate ways that you both can be sexually satisfied, realizing that you’re not going to get your exact way on every point.
That sits better with me lol. What I don’t want you to do is settle. Settling in the bedroom can make you have some feelings of resentment that eventually will leave the bedroom and show up in different areas of your relationship. In the context of sex you have a right to make a choice in what you want and in the bedroom a dead no is a dead no.
Here are the 5 tips to compromising in the bedroom so you BOTH can feel sexually pleased, heard, and respected!
Compromising on the Frequency of sex
How often should a couple be having sex? I can’t tell you that. Even though I’m asked all the time there’s NO right answer. Y’all do y’all. You have to figure what’s going to work for both of you and no one else. Instead of figuring out the least number of times you can have sex with your partner, try figuring out realistically what you both would be comfortable with and what your busy schedules have room for. It’s also important to decide what constitutes intimacy in the bedroom. Sometimes when a partner says, “I need to have sex 5 times a week”, it could be I need to be intimate with you 5 times a week. You might not get your frequency down pat at first but it will be fun trying, and once in a rhythm can really enhance your sex life.
Using a Yes, No, Maybe List to Help with Boundaries
Consent doesn’t go out the window when you’re in a serious relationship with someone. Setting boundaries in the bedroom is going to help with the foundation of compromising, especially with trying new sexual acts.
A Yes, No, Maybe list is a great tool to add some adventure and experimentation into your sex life. Here’s a link to my favorite LIST by Sex educator Sunny Megatron. The concept is really simple, it lists a bunch of ideas and you simply check off the Y, N, or M. Print out two copies (or however many you need for you and your partners), sit in a non sexual space safe place, and go to work. Next discuss the answers. All the yes answers that match up are easy to deal with. The No’s and Maybe’s need a lot more conversation.
We never want to shame or coerce our partners into doing something they want to do, and like I said above a dead no is a dead no. Asking questions about the no’s and maybe’s open up the conversation of the WHY. Maybe they had a bad session before or don’t even know exactly what it is that you want to try. Talk it all out before trying that new thing.
Slow walk into new Sexual acts when needed
There might be things that your partner wants to try and you give them a slight side eye, but you’re still willing to try on a smaller scale. You’re not saying NO, but compromising on exactly how it’s done so you both can be satisfied. Staying within your boundaries AND giving permission to try this new thing in a different way.
Examples could be:
- Instead of anal penetration agreeing to start with anal rimming (licking the outer portion of the anus) or using fingers/toys for the penetration.
- Imagining a third person in the bedroom and role playing before dipping into the swinger lifestyle.
- Purchasing a flogger, but instead of whipping forcefully start by seductively having it softly caress your butt
- Using a male masturbator toy with lots of lube to replicate oral sex on a penis
Taking turns Initiating Sex
There’s usually a lower libido partner and a higher libido partner, no matter the gender. Don’t let what “they” say that it’s always the male identified partner that has the higher sex drive cause that’s not the rule.
When we initiate sex it’s showing out partner that we desire them, we’re attracted to them, and they’re wanted sexually! I know it makes me feel good every time my partner comes on to me. But often the higher libido person is the one always asking or even being turned down more often. We don’t want them to feel denied, and saying, “We can do it if you want to” doesn’t help either.
There’s lots of benefits of compromising on initiating sex-
- You have a better chance of getting the sex you want
- You’re more into it
- You show your spouse that you desire them
Don’t forget you’re a team
Yo! It’s Bonnie and Clyde against the world! Even if you can’t always get on the same page, sexually, remember you’re on the same team. Intimacy and sex should be something that unites partners instead of driving a wedge in between them! When you’re against each other you’re trying to get your way, but when you work as a team y’all are getting the team’s way! You don’t have to keep track on who’s winning or who’s compromising more. Focus on the level of satisfaction the changes have made and keep tweaking, adjusting and trying new things until you’re bedroom all stars!